To suffer is human, to look like suffer-head is on you (Part 1)

How to go through a lot without looking like it.

Written by Oluwagbemisola Ogunleye

Do you want to know a secret? Your favorite class baddie had garri for breakfast this morning and the alte boy sitting behind you only has eighteen naira in his account? But is it written on their face? No.

And there\’s you; feeling, smelling and looking like all your problems. When last did you clean the crocs you are wearing? National grid has collapsed and you\’ve not had water for five days but is that why you are smelling like detergent and heartbreak?

For those of you that your problem is that you look like you have money, move forward, this one is not for you. The reason your face looks like the crumpled 200 naira note in your bag is that you have not read our newsletter on how to avoid the billing your shiny lipgloss and fine face cap is attracting. Everybody get the one wey they do them, find your own go front.

Life is all about packaging, brethren. Before your helper will see you outside and mistake you for a ponmo seller, we are going to do you a favour and show you how to look good on a budget. If you want to increase your budget, you might as well check out this week’s set of TFS Opportunities for graduates and undergraduates

1. Rub cream!: Ahn ahn! At your big old age, we still have to tell you? You automatically become steezeless with white knees and elbows. Have you ever considered the fact that ashy skin is why you have issues with your CGPA? It\’s not only your crush that will run at the sight of your white face, your GPA will run too. If your friends are not telling you, we will o. Cream is expensive una, have you heard of shea butter? Buy one get one free, please leave the Caro white where it is and buy shea butter!

1. Chapped lips in 2024?: As an upcoming baddie, please why are you putting absolute on your mouth? It does nothing to moisturise your lips, you are just applying and reapplying shine-shine top bond. Buy a good lip balm and follow-up with lipgloss from Iya Risikat the cosmetics seller at Oshodi market. You\’ll get both for under 1k, no be everytime Instagram vendor lip gloss 5k. As a guy, why are your lips chapped? Everytime you smile, the skin on your lips begin to fight for dear life. Lip balm is not gay and you can get for as low as 300 naira. You know what is even cheaper? Subscribing to our newsletter. Total cost 0 naira.
   

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1. My-papa-dash-me gang: You can buy a 50k t-shirt and still look like Portable in his broke boy era. Money cannot buy style. That\’s why rich people pay those that have it to dress them. As a fine boy, why are your trousers baggy at the knees and why is the neck of your polo so wide, everybody is wondering if you are wearing off-shoulder? As a fine girl, why does the waist of your dress not fit? Why are the stitches on the hem removing? You people don\’t have tailor in your neighbourhood? Anything can look ugly if it\’s not your size. Fix up o.

1. When in doubt, Pinterest it: Yes, you are wearing last semester\’s clothes because that is normal people behaviour, only bush babies change clothes every semester. What you are not going to do is wear every single thing the way you wore it every Thursday last semester. They will now know you as that broda/aunty who wears a red shirt to class every Wednesday. That one dress is not a generational curse, you don\’t have to wear it the way it came. Check Pinterest for style options. Everything in your wardrobe is style-able, you just have to figure out how. Pinterest will help with it.
   

1. Buy clothes you can wear: Thank God for thrift in the life of Nigerian students because without it, baddies would have become badirats a long time ago but sometimes, thrift is a scam. You think you are a sharp guy, you bought a ‘vintage\’ shirt for 1500 only to discover that it doesn\’t match anything in your cupboard. Make sure that whenever you do decide to buy clothes, you have enough base clothing before buying statement pieces. In simple people English, make sure you buy black jeans, blue jeans, black trousers and blue pant trousers before you start buying different types of crop tops.

1. Perfume oils: Lattafa abi Larasha that you people are using is now 18k o. For those of us that want to smell like blood money despite the eighty naira in your account, perfume oils are your best friend. Not the bougie Oyinbo people\’s perfume that comes in flamimgo bottles o, we mean the one that aboki is selling. If you want to confuse your enemies, layer the oils. They will ask tire but you will smile and blush because na only you sabi the cheat code.

We have more cheat codes but if we confess, you will upscale and leave all of us here in the trenches so we will hold on to your ill-fitting trousers with one hand. Try this one first and come back later. Send this to your upcoming baddie and steezelord friend struggling with slaying on a budget. For the evil spirits reading this, if you want to shade someone that is always smelling and looking like iniquity in your class GC, post this on your next anonymous and tag them. If you want to see part two, like this post. As always, TFS dey for you. 🤎

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