How To Live with Your Village People: Survival 101

A guide to co-existing with horrible roommates

Written by Oluwagbemisola Ogunleye

To co-habit with regional coven leaders, terrestrial beings, bush babies and agents of Satan in one room is crazy business. If trials and tribulations follow you from your classes to your hostel room, this is for you. We\’ve made you a list of tips to assist you in seizing your peace back from the Ceasers you live with. You\’re welcome.

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If you went to boarding school, we understand that the only reason you have chosen to still share a bathroom with five other people regularly is that:

1. You cannot afford to live alone

2. You have no choice

3. If you leave campus premises, your parents will disown you.

Our prayers are with you in these trying times.

For those that did not attend boarding school, however, it will always be a culture shock. E go be like sleepover till you actually pack into the room.

If you are reading this, you are either the witch or the bewitched but nobody will willingly admit that they are Satan’s personal assistant.

Someone will still post that lecturer that is sharing F like palliative on Mother\’s Day and caption it ‘sweet mother’. Who go gree say hin mama na winsh?

Let\’s pretend that all of you are good people. The reality things we are here to talk about today is that some of you are living with village people – esteemed coven leaders in charge of one of the geopolitical zones in Nigeria or the whole of West Africa. You are living with bush babies, brethren of the broom and evil spirits in human skin.

Whether it is the evil spirit reading this or it is the victim, that\’s the one that we don\’t now know.

If you don\’t relate to this, we rejoice with you. You are one of the few lucky ones alive and if you relate to this, TFS is here with tips that could potentially save your life. This is a crash course on how to co-exist with your village people.

1. No allow see finish enter

First impressions matter. You are making the work easier for the evil ones if the first impression they have of you is that of someone that is too soft. The first thing to do when you get a new roommate is to assess them for any signs of craze. Remain neutral until you ascertain whether or not the person that is breathing on the bed above you is a human being or something else.

1. Set boundaries

Once you have ascertained that you are in fact, living with an extraterrestrial being, you can now proceed to the next step of operation break-all-evil-chains; that is, the minute they take liberties that make you uncomfortable, speak up. Don\’t allow them to use your bathing soap to rub their armpit twice before you shout ‘barawo!’. If the warning is stern enough the first time, there is a high probability that they won\’t try it with you again. This is more important if you are living with a friend that has habits that make you uncomfortable. Leave friendship aside and tell them to flush the toilet after using it.

1. Try dey lock your cupboard

There are different categories of village people. This one only applies to a specific group of village people with both stronghead and longerthroat. Once you\’ve noticed that the way your Groundnut oil and maggi is finishing is making you look like a ruminant animal, it\’s time to begin to pack well. Some of these village people specialise in helping you to use your perfume without permission. Even if you\’ve given them permission to use it, dem dey too overdo. A word for your wise ears; na wetin dem see dem go use. You no need talk too much, buy chain and padlock and use am bolt your cupboard. Today it\’s two Maggi abi? Next week it will be your bone straight or the new jeans wey you wan take impress your babe.

1. Minimize contact

Friendship is not by force. If you maintain composure, crazy roommates and coven-leader neighbours will feel uncomfortable moving mad around you. The worst that will happen is that you will have pride allegations but at least nobody will come knocking on your door to come to ask for matches.

1. Sometimes, you have to combat craze with craze.

Your roommate chop winsh? You sef chop your own. Sometimes what you need to use to teach people a lesson is silent movements. If they leave your dishes dirty in the sink, use their own and leave it there. If they bring noisy friends to the room, ask your own friends to learn how to make noise and bring them there. Even if their perfume dey smell like aboniki and you don\’t like it, spray their perfume on your kitchen rag if they spray your own. Ojoro cancel ojoro.

1. Wipe your slippers and run

No amount of night vigils will save you. Go and tell the hostel manager that you are not doing again. After this session, wipe your slippers and run. Do not remain in the place of your affliction. Once beaten but twice? Na you do yourself o.

If you are the bewitched or you know an equally bewitched person, like, share and send this to your fellow brethren in suffering that need to see this. If you are the reason behind somebody\’s predicament, also like, share and subscribe for more insights into your bad character. We will consider doing a mass exorcism for you people here at TFS. Go and sin no more.

And if you are all denying it, the question we have for you people is that who is now the witch?

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