6 Things To Know Before You Adopt A Pet (Student Edition)

If you scream like an Ebira witch anytime you see a cat, this newsletter is not for you.

Writer: Oluwagbemisola Ogunleye

Disclaimer: if you scream like an Ebira witch anytime you see a cat, this newsletter is not for you.

We are well aware that you are chronically online. At this point, who isn’t? The price of deodorant is enough to warrant a national escapism holiday where we’ll just gather at the national theatre and watch Tiktok videos till we forget all our problems.

But that’s not why we are here, we are here to talk about what you spend twelve hours out of your fifteen hours of screen time watching.

Cat videos. Dog videos, parrot videos, glorified rodent videos, and in some desperate cases, piglet videos.

Instead of the pregnancy you can\’t have, you have a secret desire for a fur baby and that is why you spend all your free time drooling over sleeping puppies through your screen.

You may or may not also struggle to maintain your steeze when you see people innocently passing by with their animals on the road. One day, you\’ll pet the wrong kind of Bingo and you\’ll lose a finger. We\’re rooting for you.

*enters with a classist broom and sweeps violently

Again, this newsletter is not for Bingo chasers, it is for those that have finally moved past trying to enter their screen to pet the animals and have finally decided to get an animal of their own to assault with kisses.

Before you decide on saying yes to moving in with your very own headache, here are five things Tiktok will not tell you about owning a pet.

1. You and who is drinking garri?: they told you cats can eat anything you eat and you put garri in his feeding bowl? If witches pass at night and decide to give that cat an evil spirit, do you think he won\’t collect? That is a myth. Most animals have different dietary needs from humans. Don\’t buy a pet without getting an estimate from a trusted pet owner on what your pet is ordinarily supposed to eat to stay healthy. Omo, na who chop dey feed animal o. Don\’t adopt the kind of animal that you can\’t bankroll. One day it will wake up and decide that you are its dinner. First ask yourself if you have eaten well before you decide to feed another living organism.
   

1. That animal is the teenage pregnancy you avoided: you said you don\’t like children but you used your own money to purchase a four-legged child? Oya now. You can\’t scroll up after enjoying thirty seconds of cuteness and exit the app, this bundle of joy belongs to you now. You can\’t return him to anybody. This thing you want to put your head in is a long term commitment. If you aren’t sure, try living with a friend\’s pet for a few weeks first to see if it is something you can handle. If yes, welcome to the first day of the next ten years. Happy Father\’s day to you.
   

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2. Children of questionable parentage: Before you adopt a pet, ask about the father and mother of the pet. Your new baby boy may have cancer in his lineage and you may not know. Ask the right questions before you bring him home and only get pets from trusted sources. Veterinary medicine bills are hardly any cheaper than your usual hospital bills.
   

1. Craze comes with cuteness for free.99: There is a 5 out of 10 probability that your new baby is a psychopath. Your bundle of joy will eat your certificate and poop inside your 50k doc martens. Your cat can decide she wants to give birth on your blanket. Or eat your clothes when she misses you.

   To each animal, his own craze. Are you ready for that?
   

2. Show me your pet and I will tell you who you are: If you are a wicked Yoruba man who likes to date women and leave them shattered, adopt a large black snake that also likes to swallow animals and spit their bones out. You see that your personalities match? Good. Cats don\’t like noise, so if you are a gbas-gbos person, buy a dog that will cheer you on when you are beating your boyfriend e.t.c.

   When choosing, buy an animal that is best suited to your temperament and character needs.
   

3. The university teaching vet clinic will save your life: mummy/daddy *inserts animal*, know that your pet requires medical care and medical care is very expensive. Veterinary teaching hospitals are way less expensive than private vet clinics and they have more reliable doctors too. Don\’t break the bank for your pet\’s health care, visit the vet teaching hospital today.
   

Send this to your animal-loving friend, prospective dog moms and prospective cat dads that are still doing 0-0-1. If you have any questions or funny pet stories, leave a comment. We wish you goodluck with your new headache. 🧡

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