If One More Person Mistakes Me for a Fresher, I’m Dropping Out

It will not be your portion this semester, amen?

Written by Miriam Onyemenam

I woke up that morning and immediately it felt like it would be a good day.

And as soon as I stepped out of my house after preparing for school, the atmosphere confirmed my assumptions.

The sky was blue, the grass was green, the sun was out but not scorching and it was windy but not windy enough to blow someone’s skirt up and embarrass them in front of their enemies.

You see what I mean—it was a beautiful day.

So I started walking towards my junction in search of a bike. On a normal day, it would take me a good fifteen to twenty minutes to find a bike because my house is quite far from the main road. But I hadn’t been walking for up to two minutes when I saw a bike that just dropped someone at a house on my street.

Omg, what\’s all this good luck? Nothing can go wrong today, I thought to myself.

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I got to the school gate by 11:27 am and walked in. No security man asked me why I was wearing a nose stud today. It felt like I was invisible to them. Surprising but who was I to complain? Me that I was already preparing to tell them that I’ve not removed it since I was born and if I do I’ll faint and curse would follow the person who made me remove it. Well, no drama today.

I was in such a good mood that I decided to walk to class instead of entering a shuttle. I mean, the time I saved by finding a bike earlier than usual will make up for the time it’ll take me to walk to class, right? (girl math purr🤭)

The sun was still not scorching and the wind was still moderate so it wasn’t an uncomfortable walk. I was even looking around, noticing some changes that I hadn’t noticed in all my 3 years in this school. So they’ve painted this statue. Interesting. Ahn ahn, there’s a new relaxation center at the Education Faculty now. Splendid. Wow, this school is looking finer o.

Lost in my admiration, I didn’t notice someone was walking about seven feet behind me the whole time. When I eventually did, I looked back and it was a guy wearing a plain T-shirt on Ankara pants with crocs. CROCS. Just another crocs abuser, I thought and turned back but not before noticing that he had an inquisitive look on his face. Nothing concern me. I sha kept walking.

Maybe the guy mistook my act of turning to look at him as a go-ahead because he was by my side in seconds.

“Hi, good afternoon,” he said.

I looked at my phone. 11:38 am. This one can’t even differentiate between morning and afternoon.

“Hi,” I responded coldly, hoping my dead response would chase him away. Apparently, this guy was a pro at getting the wrong impression because you won’t believe the next thing he said.

“Sorry to bother you, I just noticed you’ve been looking around. You’re a fresher too, right? We can walk together and figure out where to do our registration”

I couldn’t believe my ears. Fresher as how? Was it my hair? My shoes? Was my outfit giving 100-level child? Jesus, what have I ever done to deserve this? This day was going so well.

I turned to my right to properly see the face of the foolish boy that just ruined my day and he was smiling, waiting for my response. No be your fault.

After giving him the most I-am-disgusted-by-your-stupid-question look I could muster, I turned away from him, fished for my AirPods in my bag, put them on, and walked away without a word.

See ehn, I don’t blame the boy because na me fuck up. Shebi it’s me that decided to walk instead of entering a shuttle like I normally would.

Now, as the lab rat who has gone through this experience, I’m here to make sure you don’t go through it as well.

If you don’t want anyone asking you that dreaded question, here are some tips:

Don’t shine teeth with anybody

What’s so funny in your school that you’re smiling about? By the time any fresher wants to come and ask you one stupid question and they see that you’re not even in the mood, they’ll have a quick change of mind.

If there’s a means of transport, why are you walking?

Don’t be like me that was trying to get in touch with nature. Please enter that shuttle, keke, bike, or even if it means hitching a ride with your friend who is an Edo witch. Whatever it takes, don’t walk. That way, no fresher will see you walking and assume you’re one of them.

Stop looking around like you’re lost

I know you love seeing new buildings and fine scenery but resist the urge to admire as if you’ve not seen it before. That’s a fresher magnet. They’ll think you’re a newbie like them and they’ll approach you like a newbie.

Wear AirPods/headphones

I’m not sure what I was thinking when I didn’t wear mine initially but please don’t make that mistake. Even if you’re not listening to anything, just wear it. No fresher would approach you if they clearly see that you can’t hear them (unless something is doing the person in their head).

Don’t carry a backpack

Everything about backpacks screams I’m new to this place. Because if you’re not new, what are you carrying in a backpack that can’t fit in a handbag or a tote bag? When it’s not that you brought your lunchbox to school. Don’t embarrass yourself so that you will not be embarrassed, please.

If you have any friends that people keep calling freshers, send them this article. Maybe they’re doing something that they shouldn’t be doing or vice versa.

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