5 Things to Do When You’re Craving Physical Touch

Body no be firewood. Let\’s teach you 5 ways to soothe your need for physical contact.

Written by Miriam Onyemenam

If you’ve ever found yourself craving physical touch, you’re not alone. Whether it’s the warmth of a hug or the comfort of a handhold, sometimes the need for human connection just be doing the most.

But what if there’s no significant other in the picture? Does that mean you don’t deserve physical touch like everyone else? Of course not. Don’t worry, we’ve got you covered. Here are some ways to satisfy that craving, the Nigerian way:

1. Go to the market and steal something

If you really want to feel some human contact, just walk through the market, casually pick something from someone\’s shop, and make a run for it. The market women and agberos will be more than happy to deliver the physical touch you\’re yearning for—with a side of generational curses and a possible chance of being burnt alive. But hey, what’s a little threat to life if you’re able to satisfy your craving?

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2. Try to settle a physical fight

Nothing gets you up close and personal like trying to break up a fight. Step in between two angry people throwing hands and you will definitely be touched.  Trust me, everybody will want a piece of you. You might even get pulled in multiple directions as both parties transfer their aggression on you. It’s giving center of attention, right?

3. Board a bus during rush hour

Seize your chance and hop on a bus when 9-5ers are trying to get to work early (especially in Lagos). You’ll be so squished that you might forget where your body ends and another person’s begins. The level of physical touch will go from 0-100 real quick. This one is a tested and trusted method.

4. Pretend to fall under anointing during a church service

When the spirit moves, it moves the ushers and pastors too. As you hit the ground, the ushers, the pastor, the prayer warriors, and even some members of the congregation will rush to your aid, praying for you and laying hands on you. Just be sure to stay down long enough for the full effect. Disclaimer: there are two ways this could go south sha: 1) Pastor’s anointing is stronger than you expected and he clocks that you’re faking it and 2) Thunder fit actually fire you for playing with things of the Spirit.

5. Borrow money from LAPO and don’t pay back on time

You want some intense physical contact abi? Simply borrow money from LAPO and then delay your repayment. We all know that LAPO doesn\’t play around with overdue loans. Before you know it, a representative might show up at your house with the kind of energy that makes physical touch seem like an understatement. They could even extend said physical touch to your family members. 

In the end, when you\’re craving physical touch, it’s all about thinking outside the box. And yes, we understand that these tips may be a little too outside the box but desperate times call for desperate measures, right?🌚

Do you have any friends who are desperate for physical touch? Send this newsletter to them and tell them to thank you later.🤭

PS: This post is intended to be light-hearted. Please do not take this letter as an excuse to touch people without consent.

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